I honestly am so tired of being ridiculed by those taking sides so if you're only here to do so, please, don't. I honestly have no energy for your high school shenanigans and you need to grow up. These are just my feelings & a note to those parents that are divorcing or on the verge of divorce from a kid who is a product of one.
Deciding & proceeding with a divorce:
First off, I am in no position whatsoever to tell you if you should get a divorce. Everyone has different beliefs but from a 18 year old daughter's point of view, please let me share my thoughts.
If you are fighting constantly & their is infidelity even after therapy & trying to work it out between y'all & God, it may be time to end it. The longer y'all stay together the longer you are teaching your child it's "normal" & "healthy" to treat your spouse that way and that is the worse thing you can do. Divorce hurts everyone. I'm not going to lie, I'm more than 6 months into this and I'm still hurting & call my friends just sobbing & sobbing. Things that can help though, is timing. Timing is everything. I don't think the timing could possibly even worse when everything started coming to light. It was my senior year. Two weeks before graduation, I was supposed to enjoy all my senior activities but instead, I worried about "Oh God, who should even come to my graduation? What if they start a fight at this event? What if?" It stressed me out so much I was in the hospital & only got released the night before graduation. Please, please, don't ever EVER do that to your kids. That is so selfish. If they have a big upcoming event, hold it together until it's over.
Divorce alters your kids memory. It turns some sour. They start picking up & remembering the awkward behaviors that y'all may have exhibited pre divorce so if your kid doesn't like talking about a certain memory, that's why. I don't even like thinking about my graduation. It was the biggest night of my entire life & ruined because of one of my parents careless actions.
Normalize Everything:
Keep a familiar schedule as much as possible. Things will be different but keep some normalcy. Tell your kids "Mom will still pick you up on Wednesdays & Thursdays and help you with your homework at home and even though dad won't pick you up on Friday's anymore, y'all will still go fishing every other Saturday."
Talk to your in-laws before talking to the kids:
I can't decide which hurt more. The actual divorce between my parents or divorce I seem to have with my paternal grandparents. Parents will always defend their kid regardless of the circumstance so sometimes that will cloud their judgement. If their daughter/son cheated or abused you, they will try to make excuses. Try to explain to them that they need to discern right from wrong while still not holding grudges against their daughter/son in law.
When they continually stick up for my father I just have to hang up the phone or walk away. There's no getting through to them. Your child will reach out to various family members to talk about the changes divorce brings & their grandparents should not take sides. They should act as a voice of reason. Which brings me to my next point.
Make sure your kids have support:
At first, I didn't reach out to many. I was so ashamed and embarrassed of my father's actions. Luckily, I had friends who reached our to me. Your kids will reach out to their friends sometimes more often than you do. I talk to my friends about it often to have a voice of reason. I also have older friends & role models who will call me or text me from time to time to check on me & I love that. I love that I can vent, cry, and be angry without them judging me. Teacher's are also a great source of support & I still have one high school teacher I text or call from time to time to just talk.
Every child handles divorce differently:
I personally kept everything in for a very long time but as time went on I just exploded. I cried in my pillow. I screamed. I slept for an entire week to escape reality. I quit taking my meds for a few days. I was basically in a "screw you, screw my illness, screw my father, screw everything" mood. I know it hurts you personally to end a relationship after however many years together but just think: in most cases, you and your spouse have been in your kids life since birth. They know nothing else but mom & dad. They don't know how to live without their parents, literally. So, cry together. The family that cries together, heals together. Be open & completely honest. I love my mom for that. I am a very passionate person but I keep it all inside & on those days that she sees my chin quivering & I mumble "I don't want to talk about it..." She hugged me & I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. Then we usually just lay in bed & silence. Completely exhausted. And that's okay.
When your child thinks it's their fault:
Why? Was I not good enough for him to stay? Psychologists say kids often blame themself as to the cause of their parents divorce & right now, it's so easy too. It really, really is. He's had infidelity issues way before I became chronically ill but I can't help but think it's my fault with my ailments due to high medical bills & time taken up during the week going to and from the hospital, doctor offices, getting bloodwork & the like. It is so, so hard for me not to blame myself. Maybe they would have more time to work on their relationship if my illness didn't take up so much time. Everyone knows money issues are a huge factor in divorce and I can't help but think...if I just wasn't sick, we wouldn't have any of these issues. It's simply not true.
When your child thinks it's their fault, please, please assure them time & time again it's not their fault. Even if they say "I know it's not." Explain why y'all had problems if the child is mature enough & even if they aren't, dumb it down some. They need to know the REASON. So they know they are not the REASON.
This divorce is far from over but I still feel some type of remorse. Like I wish I could've handled things differently. I wish I could have been there more for my mom & brother towards the beginning but in reality, there is no one way to handle the news of your life forever changing.
Civil Divorce:
Civil divorce. Means exactly what it says. Be civil, at least in front of the kids. I know after your spouse hurt you so deep & betrayed your trust, you are angry. You want revenge & you want it now. But don't. Please.
When you talk bad about your spouse to your kids, that's so wrong on so many levels & without realizing it, you're contradicting yourself. You are also teaching your kids to hate their mom/dad. I can't tell you how many times I had to tell Stephen: "Please, stop talking about her." Them of course he would go on the defensive saying "Well she did ___ to me so." I do not care what she did to you. You are acting like a child & basically saying "Well she did it so why can't I?" Divorce brings out the immaturity in everyone. From kids to the parents. Rise above that. Roll your eyes of you have to behind close doors & take a deep sigh but please, be civil.
Last but not least:
Love your kids. Love on them. They may be 18 or older like me but everyone needs their momma/daddy when things come to a blow.
No comments:
Post a Comment