Fortune Cookie

When we were 13 we had to write a letter to our future self that we would open before graduation and I'm really not looking forward to opening it. We wrote the letter a month after I got my gallbladder taken out; the surgery that changed my whole life and ruined my health. God, I was so naive but also slightly skeptical. At that point I started questioning doctors. Part of me genuinely thought and believed the doctors who told me I was crazy and the pain would go away if I just "think it away." but the other part of me took it upon myself to look into if it was "normal" for a 13 year old girl to cry herself to sleep every night in pain. Unable to get out of bed some days because my legs simply did not work. I have mentally blocked out some parts of my 8th grade year. It comes in flashbacks in my dreams though. Especially on Prednisone. I wake up screaming because it's so real. It's like I can see myself holding a razor in the bath tub contemplating taking my own life. It quite frankly scares the hell out of me that I experienced all of that at 13.

I vaguely remember asking myself if I accomplished any goals, if I dated that cute boy I had a crush on in home room, if I got my black belt and if I was happy. I'll get to take great pride in answering yes to some of the questions but for the others I won't and knowing that really pains me. I know it's of no fault of my own but I imagined high school to be so different in 8th grade. I imagined going to wild party's, kissing really cute boys, becoming a certified Taekwondo instructor, sneaking out and so much more but now all I do is sit in bed like now thinking of the could've would've and should've's, going to doctors appointments, taking medicine every day of my life, and losing friends left and right. So I just want to take time to write to my 8th grade self. 

Dear beautiful Elizabeth, 

I'm not God or a doctor but I have a lot of answers to the questions you've been asking yourself & some advice from the older you, the 17 year old you.

This probably isn't what you wanted to hear first off. I'm sure you want your bazillion other questions answered first but I must tell you that you were right. How is this bad you ask? You were right that the doctors are wrong. You are seriously ill. Physically. Not mentally. Although, you're mental health could need some uplifting. You have this thing called Crohn's Disease with related arthritis as well as Endometriosis and a host of other medical problems. Unfortunately you will have to endure literal hell for a few years because stupid doctors don't believe you but just grin and bear it and play their stupid games. Dr. Scroggie. Remember him. You'll meet him in a few months & although he'll mis DX you at first, he's a great guy. He'll fix you up for a few months and you'll completely forget you were ever sick. But after 4 months of a semi "remission(where symptoms are gone)" you'll be sick again. You'll finally cave and go back to seeing him your sophomore year of high school. Be nice to him. He's on your side. I know he sounds like a smarty pants but it's not personal. But all the other doctors? Dismiss them. They literally do not care if you live or die. Don't give them the benefit of the doubt. Let them earn your respect. Anyways, Crohn's Disease. It is a inflammatory bowel disease. You have inflammation in your digestive system as well as ulcers. A precursor to Crohn's can be extreme joint pain known as Crohn's arthritis. That's why your joints feel like they are being wripped from your limbs. There's no cure for it. Endometriosis? Well you know what that is because mom had it. Good news though? Crohn's can go into remission. You haven't been in remission yet but we're working on it. I won't waste time talking about the treatments. It's nothing compared to what you've already been through. Oh, and put the razor down. Don't hurt yourself anymore than you already are. I know that no one understands and you're only 13 but that won't solve anything. I know you're smart and won't act on it but still. Just don't do that baby girl. You have to be strong.

Now to the good stuff: You aren't fat. I know that's one of your primary questions. Curvy & puffy from steroids(will come to that later) but not fat. I know you said in the letter to me that "You are beautiful even if you're overweight." Well I'm actually not lying to you. When you wrote that later you were over weight and I know you really hated yourself for it but I'm not lying to you. You ARE, presently, in shape, beautiful, funny, smart and quite frankly lovely. So, take a sigh of relief. 

You quit Taekwondo. I don't know how else to tell you but yeah. You're too sick to do it anymore. You will miss it every day of your life. You WILL get your black belt though before quitting. I hope that makes you happy :)

You did not date that cute boy. You actually haven't dated anyone at all. But the cute boy you liked? Well y'all are too much alike for your own good. A lot of drama will take place between you two and you both have too much pride to apologize but do me a favor and please apologize. That's my biggest regret of high school. Y'all will become friends again eventually but y'all have lost precious time as friends. 

I just want to give you a list of positive people that will heavily influence your life so be on the look out for these angels in disguise:

• Kassady

• Meredith

• Madison

• Brylee

• Mrs. Anderson

• Mrs. Stanford

• Mrs. Beason

• Dr. King

• Dr. Scroggie

All of these people will help you tremendously when it comes to getting through tough times. Some more so than others. Some will leave your life but that's only because God knows you no longer need them. Kassady, Meredith, Dr. King & Mrs. Anderson are the people that you will love unconditionally and they will love you unconditionally.

I don't want to tell you much more because I feel like I've taken out a lot of big surprises for you but I will tell you one last thing: Put your faith in The Lord and not people. People will disappoint you, use you, and abuse you. The Lord will not. 

With much love,

17 year old Elizabeth.